Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? Tamora Pierce
by Nyghtvision
Summary: Guaranteed to have more chickens per paragraph than any other Tamora Pierce fic. Main characters from her books answer the Age Old Question.


Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?  
Tamora Pierce Style  
  
By Nyghtvision  
(Lady of the Thousand Chickens)  
  
Disclaimer: Somebody else owns everything else except the chickens, which belong to me, and the concept, which isn't really mine, but I'm a veteran of it.   
  
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So why DID the chicken cross the road?  
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Alanna: Because roosters aren't the only ones who can cross roads!  
  
Neal: I can't believe it, the chicken crossed the road and it never told me. How dare it! That's the most foolish thing I've ever heard!... I'm going after it.  
  
Merric: I don't see what you're all worked up for, it's only a chicken.  
  
Faithful: ...?  
  
George: It was a chicken on the wrong side of the law, and it needed a quick getaway.  
  
Chamber of the Ordeal: This is what it most feared. Do you want to be a hen, little chick? Then you must first cross the road.  
  
Lord Wyldon: Before you can cross the road, you must spend four years in egg training. Then, if you pass, you must spend four years as a chick to an experienced rooster.  
  
Joren: Look, paying a silly little fine doesn't stop chickens from crossing the roads. It's their noble right and it will never change!  
  
Chicken: (struts across road, is run down by a knight)  
  
Kel: I can't let it cross alone. It's so little and defenseless...  
  
Raoul: Now look what you did. You told her to protect the chicken, you should have known she would follow it across the road.  
  
Cleon: O chicken, love of my heart, delight of my life, would you fetch my barbecue sauce?  
  
Owen: How jolly! A chicken, crossing the road!  
  
Daine: What's that you say, chicken? To get to the other side?  
  
Jon: It's the law, but it's unjust.  
Thayet: Hmn. The law must change. From now on, chickens can cross the road of their own free will.  
  
Random Stormwing: I smell carnage. We will feast well on KFC tonight...  
  
Daine: My chicken friends, I hate to ask this of you, but we need you to cross the road.  
(chickens dash across road and are trampled by pedestrians)  
Daine: (Weeps) I'm sorry... no animal should have to do what you have done...  
  
Merric: You shouldn't give those chickens too much attention, they'll just walk right over you.  
  
Ozorne: I wish you could do something about my chickens... they keep crossing the road... I don't know why.  
  
Cleon: I'm sorry, chicken. I have to cross the road...   
  
Numair: Um... ah... I wouldn't know anything about it. (wide-eyed, attempts to hide something behind his back)  
  
Lord Wyldon: I have no sympathy for weak chickens. They must cross, just like the roosters do.  
  
Sir Myles: Ah, my chicken spy. What news do you bring of the North?  
  
Kel: Calling it a loose chicken is the easiest insult there is.  
  
Lalasa: Really, it didn't have to go to the trouble. I could have crossed the road myself.  
  
The Goddess: My vessels move in mysterious ways.  
  
Numair: (darkly) It isn't just a coincidence. The chicken crosses the road, and then someone makes a joke out of it...  
  
Owen: (something cheerful with 'jolly' in it)  
  
Faithful: Er... Aren't I supposed to be dead?  
Nyghtvision: Ah... um... oops. (quickly flushes him down a nearby Plothole)  
  
Alanna: To earn its shield, every chicken must survive the Road of the Ordeal.  
  
Alanna: How dare you forbid the chicken from crossing? It's proven its worth beyond any rooster!  
  
Tobe: I'm not letting you go alone, hen. You might disappear, and then I'd be all alone.  
  
Skysong/Kitten: (spits out feathers, innocently)  
  
Roger: Uh, um... hey, aren't I supposed to be dead, too?  
Nyghtvision: Flush yourself, I'm busy. (deathly scowl)  
Roger: (meekly flushes himself down nearest Plothole)  
  
Chamber of the Ordeal: Because it can see the people in chicks and roosters in hens. Go, and fullfil your destiny... Crosser of the Road.  
  
Kel: Oh yeah? Make it.  
  
Kel: It could be just an illusion, has anyone seen my headband?  
  
Dom: Sir Featherhead! Long time, no cross!  
  
Mistress Cooper: I could give it a charm to stop it from laying eggs. But it would still have to cross the road.  
  
Jon: I hereby dub thee, hen of the realm, Sir Chicken of the Road.  
  
Jon: All chickens must cross their road in service to the Realm.  
  
Shinkokami: It must have been a Yamani chicken, hiding its true motives.  
  
Roald: The chicken must hate me. It gets to cross the road, while all I'm allowed to do is sit around and do nothing!   
  
Neal: You're aware that we should be sitting in padded cells with our very own straitjackets and nice nurses giving us medication every fifteen minutes, not chasing some fool chicken across the road, right?!  
  
Neal: ... it's deliberately trying to annoy me, isn't it? *rants*  
  
Duke Baird: You might show some respect; not every chicken can cross the road.  
  
George: I'm not so sure about this road, it could be a trap... (is shot off horse by three arrows and a few plastic sporks)  
  
Joren: I'll take on the chicken as its mentor. Come on, chicken, let's cross the road...  
  
~~~~~~ Shower of plastic sporks ~~~~~~~~  
  
Neal: (wanders by, ranting)  
  
Random Tortallan Weatherperson: (holds up spork) Sporks from the sky, a sign that the gods have turned on us. On Friday, expect to see the heavens fall, the earth come apart and other signs of the Apocalypse. Here's a look at the weekend weather...  
  
Numair: (picks spork out of hair) Oh, great. Just great. Whose brilliant idea was it to arm the fans?  
  
Fans: (look away innocently, hiding their weapons of mass sporkification)  
  
Owen: Oh, how jolly. A war.  
  
Fans: Spork! Spork! Spork!  
  
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Nyghtvision: Spork! Spork! Spork! *coughcough ahem* Ah yes. My third "Chicken Crossing the Road" piece. Brought to you by Caspian Nyghtvision, writer for Ronin Warriors, Gundam Wing, and Artemis Fowl, and the Alias Drinking Game. I hope you enjoyed it. You know what to do now. Questions, comments, rants, family recipes, quotes, constructive criticism, blatant flattery, "I didn't get it" etc. accepted cheerfully and with great appreciativeness.   
  
Yrs in the Netherworld,  
Caspian Nyghtvision 


End file.
